Kidnapped by Akatsuki
by Pikapixie The Demigod
Summary: The process by which Mitsuwa Fumiko meets Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Tobi, Konan, Pein, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Itachi. Not necessarily in that particular order. In which the Akatsuki think kidnapping is a good idea, and Fumiko decides that maybe it isn't really all that bad. PERMANENT HAITUS
1. The Akatsuki make their move

**So it's 2:30, I'm sick, and I'm bored. Lily and I have spent many a high school lunch period laughing our butts off over random little 'What-if Fumiko met...' with almost all of the Akatsuki, so I thought... Why not?**

**All of these will be purely dialogue, because I've always wanted to try doing that. As usual, "Hi" = talking, and _hi _= thoughts. Thankz for reading this random little bit of not-canon-cause-I'm-bored! I might come back and rewrite this someday if people give a crap with actual character thoughts and descriptions but until then...**

**script.**

**...**

**..**

**.**

"Good job, Sasori."

"She was barely any trouble at all."

"Maybe not, but you didn't alert the jinchuriki to your presence in his own village. We will wait for the right time, and then act accordingly. Until then, you two, watch her and make sure she doesn't escape."

"What? Why us?"

"Yeah, why the hell do _we _have to watch her?"

_I can't see. That's weird. Am I blind?_

"Because the rest of us have other matters to attend to. We'll leave you to it."

"..."

"Aw, come on. This sucks."

"Shut up."

_Who's talking? Why does the floor feel like rocks?_

"Where am I?"

"..."

"Where am I?"

"..."

"Where am I?"

"You're at our fucking hideout. Stop talking."

"I can't see."

"That's because you're blindfolded, you idiot."

"Hidan, be quiet."

"What?"

"Why am I blindfolded?"

"Uh..."

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"Fuck, Kakuzu, why _is _she blindfolded?"

"..."

"Where's 'the hideout'?"

"You don't need to know that."

"Okay."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Hi, I'm Fumiko."

"Urgh! Just shut the hell up!"

"But what's your name?"

"Hidan. Now go pass out or something before I sacrifice you."

"Hidan..."

"Come on, you can't seriously think she isn't being annoying."

"Can you take my blindfold off, please?"

"..."

"Because I can't see."

"..."

"Am I lying on a rock?"

"If I take your blindfold off, will you be quiet?"

"Um... sure!"

_"Fine. _Here. Hold still."

"I _am _lying on a rock. Why are we in a cave?"

"Be quiet!"

"Oops."

**\- Ten minutes later-**

"What-? You want to _paint _me?!"

"Yep!"

_"Why?"_

"'Cause your silver hair is cool. Plus, I like your cloak. Yours too, Kakuzu."

"They're the same cloak!"

"Oh, right."

"Stop smiling at me."

"Why?"

"Because- because- Jashin-sama! Just because!"

_That's a really cool scythe. Like... like... with two blades and everything!_

"So can I paint you?"

"No!"

"Aw."

"Hmph."

"..."

"..."

"... Can I make something to eat? Do you have a kitchen? 'Cause it kind of seems like this entire place is just one big cave. Which is kinda cool too, with all the dripping water and stalagmites... Now I wanna paint that too."


	2. Meeting Sasori

**Scene: After a harrowingly long time, Hidan just unties her. She's harmless and crippled, how can she run away? Fumiko is wandering around the hideout, looking for something to paint the pretty cave with, including random bedrooms and various other rooms. *Doesn't really realize she's in danger***

**Btw chapter 1 was not meeting Hidan or meeting Kakuzu. That WILL COME IN TIME.**

**Done with thoughts. Now italics mean various onomatopoeic sounds.**

**...**

**..**

**.**

"Hi! Do you have paint?"

"No."

"Why would we?"

"Okay. You look really neat, by the way."

"Hi! Do you have any paint I could use to make the cave?"

"How did you get out?"

"Hidan untied me."

"Why aren't you running away?"

"Ha ha! 'Cause I suck at running ad you guys look really fast. Anyway, you're not hurting me. So, do you have any paint?"

"No."

"Okay, thanks anyway."

"Do you- sorry!"

"Who let you out?!"

"Hidan!"

"I'm gonna kill him!"

_Knock, knock._

"Is this a bathroom?"

"No."

"Hi! Do you have paint?"

"Yes."

"Sweet! Can I use it?"

"Who- Why are you untied? Didn't I bind your hands?"

"Hidan let me out so I could paint the hideout."

"You paint?"

"Yep."

"... Fine."

"Yay! ... Do you have canvas?"

"No."

"Oh. Um..."

"..."

"..."

"There's paper on my desk."

"Yes! Hey, this looks like Kankuro's desk! Are you a puppeteer, too?"

"..."

"Ohhh, can't tell me your shinobi jutsus. I forgot about that."

"Why are you still here?"

"I'm painting."

"In here?"

"It's warm in here. These are really good puppet designs. This one looks kind of like Kankuro's Crow. Have you made it yet?"

"No."

"Oh."

"... But it's a prototype."

"Oh! Cool! Hey, what's your name, by the way? I'm Fumiko."

"... Sasori."

"Sasori... Sasori... you're a defect from my village!"

"What of it?"

"Oh, sorry, it's just that you look super young. Like my age almost."

"..."

"Another jutsu, huh? Okay, I'll leave you alone now."

_Swish, swish, swish._

"Drip... drip, drip."

_Swish, swish._

"Shadow..."

_Squeak, squeak, squeak-_

"Stop banging that contraption on your leg. It's annoying."

"Whoops, sorry."

"That's... very good art."

"Thanks!"

"Does it last very long?"

"What?"

"Your art. Does it last forever?"

"Um, maybe. I dunno. I haven't been painting since forever. But as long as they don't get wet or something, probably." _Swish, swish. _"I paint on my best friend sometimes, and the paint I make for his kanji lasts for almost three weeks."

"On his skin?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you paint on his skin?"

"Because he has a scar there."

"In the form of a kanji?"

"Yeah."

"Did he do it himself?"

"Sort of, but he didn't really mean to. I paint it red to match his hair when it fades."

"... How do you make this paint?"

**...**

**..**

**.**

**End scene: Sasori is leaning over the chair Fumiko is sitting in, looking at her half-done picture of the main part of the cave, intrigued (but still dopey-eyed in typical Sasori fashion, of course.) Fumiko's just working on her painting, not really concerned. ^.^**

**REVIEW!**


	3. Meeting Tobi

**Scene: Fumiko has walked into the kitchen to make cookies, and found a very lonely looking Tobi. BECAUSE I CAN.**

**...**

**..**

**.**

"Oh! Hello!"

"Hi!"

"I'm Fumiko. Who are you?"

"My name is Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Hey, Tobi, do you guys have supplies for cookies? I kinda want to make some chocolate chip cookies."

"Maybe~ Let's check~"

_Rummage, rummage-_

"Ack!"

_Poof!_

"Hee hee, your mask is all white! Are you okay?"

"Don't worry~ There's more flour~"

"Wanna help me bake?"

"Sure!"

"Okay. Wow, you have a big pantry for a kitchen inside a cave. There's brown sugar, and chocolate chips, and flour, and baking soda, salt, and granulated sugar. I'll put those on the counter."

_Whumph, plunk, whumph, pat, whumph, whumph._

"Where are your bowls and stuff?"

"There!"

"Um, do you have milk, eggs, butter, and vanilla extract in the icebox?"

"Yep~!"

"Thanks, can you please get it? ... Oh, Tobi, watch out for the-!"

_Crash! Smack! Smash-smash-smash!_

_Dribble-dribble-dribble..._

"-flour! Are you okay?"

"Thank you! Tobi is fine!"

"You have eggs in your hair... watch out for the milk on the floor now."

"Tobi has more!"

"Wait, Tobi, don't step on the-"

_Squeeeak, crash!_

"Tobi is fine!"

**...**

"There we go."

"How long until the cookies are done?"

"About eight to ten minutes. Do you think anybody will want them?"

"Itachi _loves _sweets! So does Tobi!"

"That's good. We should clean you up now."

"Eggs feel really weird."

"I've heard it's good for your hair."

"Really?"

"I think so."

"Cool~ Tobi has beautiful hair~"

"Here, let me-"

"Don't take my mask off!"

"Sorry!"

"..."

"..."

"Um... Tobi is sorry too! Tobi didn't mean to be so mean to Fumiko!"

**...**

"Are they done yet?"

"Nope."

"Are they done yet?"

"Not yet."

"Are they done yet?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Are they done yet?"

"No-"

"TOBI, SHUT UP! YOU'RE VOICE IS SO LOUD, UN!"

"..."

"..."

"Who was that?"

"Sempai."

"Oh."

**...**

"They're done!"

"Really~? Yay! Tobi gets cookies!"

"Here, let me take them out. Tobi, can you put the other two cookie pans in when I do?"

"Sure~!"

_Sliiiide- bang. Sliiiide- bang._

_Sliiiide. Sliiiide._

_Clunk._

_Beep-beep-beep._

"There. The timer's all set."

"Can Tobi have one now?"

"They're really hot. Ha ha ha, you would burn your tongue!"

"Awww."

**...**

"Do you think there are enough? I made four dozen! Ha! Ha! I think we got a little carried away, huh, Tobi?"

"Yay! Cookies! Ow! Still hot!"

"We should brig them to everybody. Do you thin this'll make them like me enough to let me go home and be friends?"

"Only one way to find out! Tobi will help!"

"Okay. Here, let me put them on a couple of big plates... Okay. Tobi, you take these two dozen, I'll take these two dozen, and we'll work our way through both sides of the house. You take the left and I'll take the right-"

"Tobi wants the right!"

"Tobi, you take the right, and I'll take the left."

"Yay~ Tobi is on it!"

"Ready?"

"Ready!"

"Okay, go!"

**...**

**..**

**.**

**Scene close: Tobi and Fumiko both take off giggling from the kitchen, each holding a big red platter with cookies.**


	4. Meeting Hidan

**Scene: Fumiko goes to the nearest door on her side of the hideout, while Tobi goes to his. Fumiko, unsure who she's about to give cookies to, decides to find out.**

**.**

**..**

**...**

_Knock, knock._

"Who's in this room?"

"..."

_Knock, knock._

"Is this room empty?"

"..."

"Huh. I guess it is. Well, I know where Sasori's room is, and he's on my side, so I'll bring him cookies."

"You made cookies? What the hell's wrong with you? You're kidnapped! And you're giving your kidnappers cookies!"

"Oh- Hidan! Wow, you're really quiet. Baking is relaxing for me. Anyway, Tobi helped, so I don't think you guys are really mean kidnappers. You let me make cookies. Cookie?"

"No!"

"Aw. Are you sure? Me and Tobi made them. Oh... by the way, Hidan, where're your cleaning supplies? Tobi, uh, dropped a few things."

"Ahh, fuck."

"Does your head hurt or something?"

"It does now!"

"Ooh! I know medical ninjutsu, I can help!"

"Don't touch me, you crazy bitch! I'll scythe you!"

"Hold on a second~"

"..."

"..."

"... Oh. That actually feels really good."

"You're all stressed out, Hidan. That's why you have a headache. I'm numbing it a little as well, all right? Im not as good with ninjutsu as some so I won't fix it all the way."

"... Uh..."

"There. Do you want a cookie now?"

"What! No! I already said no! Now get outta my damn room!"

"I'm not in your room, though. And caffeine helps migraines go away, as long as you only have a little bit."

"I wasn't being- urghh. And anyway, cookies don't have caffeine, so there!"

"But the chocolate chips do. Chocolate has caffeine in it... Aw, they're getting cold. If you really don't want any, Hidan, I have to go. Make sure to take an Advil or something before the numbness wears off."

"Wait, you're saying chocolate helps headaches?"

"Yep."

"Fine. Give me one of those damn cookies."

"..."

"..."

"Do you like them?"

"Was' it tuh you?"

"Well, that's good. Don't want to give people bad cookies. And I can't make any more, either... We wrecked the last of the flour and stuff."

"Jashin damn it, we just got Kakuzu to let us buy that shit."

"Sorry. Tobi slipped."

"Of _course_ it was Tobi's fault..."

"You look like your headaches coming back. Cookie?"

"Fine! Whatever! Now go away!"

_Slam._

"Hidan?"

Munch, munch.

"Hidan?"

"Whut?"

"My cloak's stuck in the door. Can you open it really quick?"

"..."

"Thanks."

_Slam._

"Hidan?"

"Whut?!"

"You can't eat them all. Can I have the plate back please?"

"No."

"But I need them still."

"Well I'm confiscating them, then, bitch. They're for my Jashin-damned headaches now."

"Um, Hidan, that only works in moderation."

"What are you doing."

"Oh, hi, Sasori! Well, I made cookies, and so I'm giving them to everyone, but Hidanidan took all of them."

"Where is he?"

"In there."

"Hidan."

"Oh, you can not be serious! Why do you even care?"

"it's not that I care. If you don't let her have them, she won't stop bugging you about it. Then you'll kill her and we won't have a bargaining chip."

"Fuck you, Sasori."

"Oh, Sasori, by the way, where's your cleaning supplies?"

"I only have wood polish. It's a cave, we don't have any cleaning supplies. Hidan, I hate being kept waiting, or making other people wait!"

"Oh... Um, be careful in the kitchen, then. There's stuff on the floor everywhere."

"Hidan."

"Jashin-sama! I'll sacrifice you!"

"I'll get Kakuzu. You can't sacrifice him."

"Motherfucker. Fine. Here."

"Thanks, Hida-"

_Slam._

"... Cookie?"

**...**

**..**

**.**

**End scene: Sasori takes a cookie. They're standing in a corridor outside of Hidans now-locked door.**

**And here it is- Meeting Hidan! With an unexpected cameo by Sasori!**

**anyway... Wow, this Kidnapped by Akatsuki story is a little more popular than I thought it would be... It literally only takes me 5-10 minutes per chapter lol. Anyone know. Good picture, whether you drew it or found it on google, that would work for it as a cover page?**

**600 words and proud of it!**

**Review!**


	5. Meeting Kisame

**Scene set: Fumiko has been tied up again. Leader Pein is Not Pleased. He is also Not There. She is Very Alone and Very Bored To Tears.**

**...**

"I wonder when Gaara is going to come and get me..."

"Am I on ransom or something?"

"... Echo!"

"_Echo!"_

_"Echo!"_

"Ha ha."

"Maybe if I take my shoe off, I can draw in the dirt..."

_Skritch. Skritch. Scratch. _

"Ah ha! Smiley face!"

"..."

"Leaf!"

"..."

"Ahh! A spider bit me! Ow!"

_Shift, shifty-shift._

"Ahh! It's following me!"

_Shifty-shifty-shift-shift-shift-_

"Uf!"

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm running away from the spider! Uh, scooting away from the spider! It bit me! Get it away!"

"You're kidding me."

"Noooo, it's coming after me again!"

"If I get it will you stop yelling like a lunatic?"

"Yeesss!"

"Alright, hold on-"

"NOOOO! Don't step on it! Take it outside! Take it outside!"

"What?"

"Please don't kill it!"

"... Insane... Absolutely... Well then what exactly do you want me to do?"

"Pick it up and put it outside! ... Uh, are we underground, or just in a cave?"

"Ha! I'm not touching that thing, it's the size of my hand. I'm just gonna squash the little nuisance."

"No!"

"Ow you little- I'll shred you!"

"Sorry! I didn't mean to trip you, just stop your foot! Run, spider!"

"..."

"..."

"... I think it wanted to eat me."

"Are you nuts?"

"Clinically?"

"What? No. It was a rhetorical-"

"Because the psychologists I have to see for my physicals say I'm not- I guess I just have really bad judgement sometimes- but everyone else I talk to seems to think so. But, most of the people I talk to don't seem very happy a lot..."

"Whatever. I'm leaving. No escaping."

"Okay. Woah!"

"What is it this time?"

"You're blue!"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Blue's my absolutely favorite color! And you're almost my favorite shade of blue!"

"What- I- almost?"

"My favorite blue is the sky. In Suna, during the summer, when it's really hot and there's almost no clouds at all. You're darker though. It's still pretty. Can I do a color study?"

"A what?"

"Can I make your portrait?"

"... You really are nuts. Did Sasori hit your head to knock you out?"

"No... At least I don't think so. I'm pretty sure he used airborne gas or something, I mean, it smelled funny and then I woke up here. Ah! The spider's back!"

"Grr-"

"NO DONT KILL IT!"

"Why are you so loud?!"

"Tobi will save the spider!"

_Crash!_

"Damn you, you Baka!"

"TOBI IS AFRAID OF SPIDERS! AHH!"

"Tobi, put it outside, really quick!"

"Okay!"

_Tap tap tap tap... tap. Tap... Ta.._

"..."

"..."

"The rock is locked! Sempai! Sempai! Sem-"

"WHAT?"

"The rock is locked! Tobi is scared of spiders!"

"UNLOCK IT THEN, YEAH!"

"Oh, right! Tobi can unlock the door too!"

_RUMBLE._

"Yaay! Go, Tobi!"

"The spider is outside!"

"Stop grinning."

"Why?"

"Because you're kidnapped!""

"Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to ask. Why?"

"... What."

"I mean like, am I on ransom, or did you get paid, or something? Am I going to get picked up by somebody else? Did you get me by accident? I don't really know a lot about the Akatsuki."

"I said it once. I'm going to say it again. And then I'm going to leave and pretend this never happened."

"Okay."

"You- are- insane!"

"AHH! THE SPIDER IS CHASING TOBI!"

**...**

**...**

**Scene set: Kisame is face-palming, and Fumiko is shouting encouragement, on the floor, tied up. Oh yeah, and Tobi-Dara is running around outside being chased by a big hairy spider.**

**ha ha.**

**This one was so much fun to write... I love ad lib...**

**Anyway! I'm working strong on Sands of Time like you wouldn't believe! Already I have finished chapter three! (... Lots of words. Not three. Thousands. Possibly probably hundreds of thousands. I had to say it. Three is lame.)**

**whiiiiich is why I don't write much Kidnapped By Akatsuki. That's more of a whim thing. But please, review! I MISS TALKING TO MY READERS SO BAD! T.T**


	6. Meeting Kakuzu

**Scene: Fumiko is semi-unconscious now because the spider that bit her in the last chapter happened to be about the Naruto-verse equivalent of a Brazilian wandering spider. Kakuzu and Hidan stepped in to make sure she was still there and realized, shoot, she's not breathing right, and wtf (in the words of Hidan) is that big red bump on her leg?**

**Usually, one would be worried.**

**But nah.**

**Because poison.**

**...**

"Those kinds of spiders aren't even native in this area."

"Well fuck that, Sasori. Idiot."

"..."

"... no need to glare or anything, you know. Creepy stoned..."

"I'm injecting an antivenom now. Kisame, why didn't you inform anyone that she'd been bitten?"

"Because I didn't know she got bit by the stupid thing! She was yelling her head off not to kill it; how was I supposed to know?"

"Has anyone seen Tobi, un?"

"Ah- you're right. Someone go make sure he's not convulsing somewhere."

"Uh?"

"Oh, she's waking up."

"Wait, but she's not tied up anymore!"

"Kisame, she's not running anywhere on that leg. Fumiko- Fumiko. Can you see me at all?"

"Sugar... happened..."

"You got bit by a damn spider."

"Hidan? Ow. My leg hurts."

"Kakuzu, stitch the wound up, would you? The heat of the blade should have cauterized it, but infection is still a danger."

"Why do we care?"

"Because we still need her alive and not slowly dying from blood poisoning."

"Fine."

"Ow. Ow. Ow."

"Shut up."

"Ow."

"..."

"..."

"Are those coming out of your skin?"

"..."

"It's cool."

"..."

"My head hurts."

"I would hope so, you almost fucking died."

"Huh. I've never been bitten by a spider before. But I have almost died..."

"Eh, un?"

"My friend's dad used to try to kill us with assassins."

"... Your friend's dad is different."

"Yeah. Oh, but he's dead now."

"Dumbass, she's talking about the jinchuriki's dad. The Fourth Kazekage."

"Did you know Rasa?"

"Uh... no."

"Oh."

"Can we leave now?"

"Can you sew?"

"What?"

"Can you sew? Like, clothes?"

"Oh, that's rich. Yeah, old man, can you sew?"

"Shut up, Hidan."

"I can't. I always stab myself with the needle. I can do other stuff, though. You don't need a needle, do you? Ow. My head still hurts..."

"Done."

"Should we tie her hands again?"

"Could she even get out of here if she tried? The boulder has a seal on it."

"... Good point, un."

"Fumiko, can you see alright?"

"Yep. Hey, wait. I just realized your hair's red!"

"She should be fine now."

"It's the same as Gaara's hair!"

"Jashin-_sama, _she talks a lot. _Loudly."_

"Um! So I won't die, right?"

"Probably not."

"Okay."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What happened to the spider?"

"Last time I saw the thing it was on Tobi's leg."

"Kisame didn't kill it?"

"Kisame didn't care."

"Ne... did the spider bite Tobi?"

"Did anybody look for him?"

"No."

"No."

"No, un."

"I don't care."

_*sigh.* _

"I suppose it doesn't really matter if he dies-"

"AHH! TOBI'S LEG IS HUGE!"

"Found him."

"How does he keep disappearing, anyway? I never hear the entrance Unseal."

"It HURTS!"

"I don't really care, but I swear to Jashin-sama, if he's pussing all over my shit I'll kill him myself."

**...**

**UGH. In the school library. Had some free time from studying for exams.**

**I am SO SUPER GROUNDED JEEZUS.**

**Technically this is Meeting Kakuzu. There will be a few other clips with him, but none of them fit in this one so!**


End file.
